Even When Sick...

A bug bit me yesterday...

I mean bit me good...

So good that I did not brush my teeth until 11 pm...

I literally pried myself from the bed (after sleeping for more than 24 hours) to brush my teeth and go back to bed...

Yuck...

But my son wouldn't let me go the entire day without a smile...

Although in bed I could hear him talking to his Daddy while Daddy was in the shower...

Aidan Kale:"Dad what adoin?"

Daddy: "shaving.."

Aidan Kale: "Why cuz?"

Daddy: "Because my face grows hair"

Aidan Kale: "OK"

The bathroom door slams...

What a precious little conversation...

The Maze of Life

About a mile from our home is an 8 acre corn maze...

The perfect fall gesture...

And Sunday we decided was the day through which to navigate...

Can you see Aidan Kale?

And as we made our way through the stalks of corn I was struck by the symbolism in this adventure...

The lessons to be learned...

The lessons to be shared...

I am notorious for being directionally challenged...

and throughout this entire journey, I felt lost...

A little scared...

Grateful KKS was leading...

Because this is an outing I would have never attempted solo...

Nor would I have trusted myself to lead a two year old and a seven month old {even with the provided useless map}...

But my husband...he knew where we were all along...

And when I would exclaim..WE ARE LOST!..He would simply say...No we are not...

And I was comforted...thankful I wasn't navigating this maze {or this life}alone...

That there were {are} footsteps to follow...

And yet a friend to walk beside...

To share every twist and turn...

Always finding our way...

Together...

Just Like You

If you watch closely...

You will see...

How closely they are watching you...

Learning from you...

Wanting to be just like you...

Saying what you say...

Laughing when you laugh...

This is one of those moments...

One of the many copycat actions...

Captured...

Appreciated...

Shared...

Aidan-isms

We knew it was inevitable...we knew it would happen, but it just feels like someone is pushing fast forward...

And our first born...our Aidan Kale amazes us every day...

More than once this week KKS has looked at me and said in a sad but proud voice, "he is getting too big Momma"...

Here are things I want to document...

Things I want to remember...

Frucks...

Excuses...

My Rummage Sale Buddy...

Kamen

Counting to 5

Proudly putting Woo Woos in the hamper

and shoes in the closet

School Bus

Vrooms in the sub woofer

MAC

Eating a Nanny like corn on the cob

Milk....warm

Poo Poo Momma?

Momma home? Daddy home? Bubby home?

Adoin?

Papa...

Confusion of Fries...Rice...Prize...

Cheese

Momma Woof, Bubba Woof

Work Momma?

Work Daddy?

No Work!

Go-Go?

Me Go-Go?

Loves to read books (just like Mommy)

Hawks and Hoot Hoots

Still mooches, but now sometimes mooches in return

Size 8 feet--warning can be very stinky

3T clothes

Why, cuz?

Race Vroom

Oh how we love him, oh how he challenges us, oh how hard it is to see him grow up, but how incredible it is to watch who he is becoming...such personality, quite handsome, very ornery....

Saturday Sales

Aidan Kale and I made the rounds yesterday and rummaged through every yard sale on the SW and NW side of town...

We spent a little over $20 and here are some of our treasures...

$1.70

$1.00 (shot and stethoscope included)

$3.00

$.45

We also found Kam a Children's Place winter coat for $.50 (my best find) and Tommy Jammies for $1.00,

Aidan Kale got 4 shirts and a pair of pants for $2.50,

I found The Happiest Toddler on the Block for $.50,

A pair of women's Gap Long and Lean Jeans, a sweater from Aeropostale and a beautiful ocean blue cardigan for $1.00 each,

A men's Ralph Lauren Polo long sleeve shirt for $1.00,

A corn on the cob cage for grilling $1.00,

Guesstures board game $2.00 (family tradition on Christmas Eve),

And two teenie beanie babies (doodle do and dinosaur) $.25 each...

But the best part was watching Aidan Kale and Kam put these treasures to use...

The Journey Home--Conclusion

There were also very bittersweet moments on this journey...

the outline of the feeding tube underneath my Grandpa's shirt in a picture of him as he stood before his homestead...

the way he said good-bye to family we visited, knowing he would probably never see them again...

the way his clothes began to hang on him as he cinched his belt tighter...

the tears in his eyes from time to time...

the tears in my Grandma's eyes as she imagined a life without her husband of sixty years...

the selfish realization of the way his death would affect me, my life, my plans...

I wanted him to meet my children, bounce them on his knee, hold them in his arms...

But now, looking back, I am grateful....so very grateful I stopped my life and was a part of this journey...

I have memories that cancer will never steal...will never touch...

I will forever remember my Grandpa's hand in mine as we walked through the South Dakota Badlands...

His smile as he gave himself bunny ears while being photographed...

I am proud of these priceless memories...

I am proud that Aidan's middle name is the Hawaiian equivalent to Charles, my Grandpa's middle name...

I am proud that Kamden's eyes are the same pale blue...

And even though he never gave up the fight, never lost hope, cancer took him from us exactly 18 months after his diagnosis...

true to form my extraordinary Grandpa, at 80 years of age, still beat most of the odds...

He never met my boys...never held them...bounced them...let them kiss his stubbly cheek as he kissed them back...picked them up from school...brought them their school lunch when they forgot...nicknamed them...videotaped them telling him how old they were at each birthday party...

But they will know him...

My Grandpa will be as real to them as he was to me...

because who are we if not just an extension of those who have come before us, who shape what we become, teaching us things we will never forget, who leave behind their legacy to be passed from generation to generation,

helping us understand the true meaning of home.

The Journey Home--Part One

Five years ago today my maternal grandparents, mother, father, two aunts, and one nephew began a road trip bound for Beach, North Dakota...

The destination...my grandfather's homestead...

The reason...in June 2004 my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer...

We had gone as a family to North Dakota once before....the same year Michael Jackson's hair caught on fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial..I can still remember Dad buying me the People Magazine with Michael's head wrapped in bandages on the cover.

This trip was different, this time the mood was ominous...

although we never quit praying,
the doctor had said 6 to 18 months...

We wanted to remember every moment to the point I started feeling badly for my Grandpa...

And at times wondered if he felt like we were the paparazzi...crowding him, snapping pictures...

Watching his every move...

There are things we did not get on camera though...
The way Grandpa was too tired to climb the steps of Mount Rushmore during our stop in South Dakota, but rather laid down in the back of the van to rest while the rest of us gazed at the stone faces of past presidents,

or how each of us had private moments of grief while forcing a smile once together,

the smell of sunshine when grandpa's cousin welcomed us into her home and invited us to sit around her kitchen table,

the unpolluted beauty of Montana that might be slightly captured in a photo of me with a clear blue sky as the backdrop,

the fact that I did not wear heels for an entire week, but lived in jeans, tennis shoes and a jean jacket...

the way we laughed until our sides hurt when my aunt attempted to crawl into the drivers seat quietly to photograph a buffalo without startling him and in the process honked the horn with her bottom...startling my mother who was slowly approaching the buffalo...

the conversations I had with my Dad during the 16 hour trip that took us three days full of stops and sightseeing, the way he described to me in detail a movie I had never seen...

the screams I held inside of why him...why my Grandpa, my friend?

The man who could fix anything.....my oil pan, my washer and dryer, my insignificant problems...why couldn't he fix this?

Contentment

I have been mulling over a post on contentment for some time...

My fear was the belief that as soon as I described my life as contented, something would change, I would succumb to a terrible fate...discontent.

Or worse, something tragic would occur as I often fear because at times I feel too blessed (my husband disagrees with outlook....often saying I worry too much).

But the truth is, I feel contented MOST of the time...

It is true that we are living paycheck to paycheck as KKS pursues his degree,

It is true that I am still trying to lose 10 lbs,

It is true that we have heartbreaking extended family struggles whose theme finds their way into my dreams,

It is true that if I had a choice I would NOT work outside the home, but would spend more time with my boys and become a writer,

It is true that our house is 1460 square feet and at times it feels much smaller,

It is true that KKS and I have evenings where neither one of us want to talk or look at each other,

It is true that I have moments of insecurity, moments where my flaws seem so much bigger than anything good in me,

It is true that there are times I beat myself up over things I should or should not have said and done...

BUT the definition of contented is this:

quietly happy and satisfied: peacefully happy and satisfied with the way things are or with what has been done...

And I do feel at peace, because while those things above are the truth, I have found the other side of the coin....

We live paycheck to paycheck, but we pay all of our bills, have food on our table, often splurging on a couple things here and there...

We have found a new appreciation for garage sales, Goodwill and Name Brand Clothing...

And my husband is thrilled to be back in school, something he really never thought would happen...

The extra 10 pounds are still there but my husband thinks I am attractive and according to BMI calculations I weigh what I "should"...

without giving up coveted sweets...

Even though we have those heartbreaking extended family struggles, we have members of our family that love us unconditionally...

And even if we didn't we are an incredibly tight family unit all on our own..

And yes I work outside the home at least 40 hours a week BUT it is a cushy job with great hours and quite a few paid holidays....

And this job allows us so many wonderful opportunities our family would not otherwise have...

And my in-laws keep our boys while I work.....LOVE them like crazy, teach them, take them to the library and feed them organic, home cooked meals...

And I write...in my blog, which might inspire me to do more one of these days....

And my 1460 sq foot house is decorated, lived in and isn't just a house it is a home...a home cluttered with toys that slowly sneak out of the playroom after they have been put to rest night after night...

It is a home where I am proud to invite people, host holidays and family meals...

It is a home filled with giggles, mooches, cuddling and love...

And my husband, oh my husband who can push the buttons that frustrate me but who can make me laugh out loud moments later, who still gives me butterflies with a simple smile, look or word and whom I will adore forever....we have THAT marriage...the one I have always wanted....

And my insecurity, my flaws.......they are there, they are always there but I have a God who sees right to the heart of me, who is NOT surprised by my flaws and whom when asks forgives them, wipes the slate clean...

So this week I see the heads up side of the coin which happens more often than not....

The slow transformation from a once overly anxious little girl, teenager, woman will never be complete...

I will not find the perfection for which I have so desperately sought...

And I have discovered, after much futile searching, happiness comes from abandoning the search and living for today...

Buying curtains at Wal-Mart and a wall hanging at a garage sale...

Combining clothes I already have rather than searching for new...

Enjoying a library book rather than purchasing.....

Being a best friend to my husband and embracing him as mine rather than worrying about finding one, grateful he desires that relationship...

Preferring a home cooked meal to a restaurant, a rented movie to one in the theater....

Believing in my ability to be a great mommy, while learning from my mistakes...

Choosing imperfection...

Happy I am ME......

Seven Months

Precious little Kam...

Seven Months has come and gone,

Seven months and it doesn't seem possible,

You are still our baby, you whose eyes are still blue, whose smile is still contagious.

Mr. Independent sitter, who enjoys TV and playing in the floor..

Mr. Carrot Lover who laughs out loud at Mickey Mouse...

Who sucks on his lower lip

Who growls rather than whining,

Mr. Rollie Pollie who still fits in the crook of my arm

And is the only one who thinks Bubby sitting on you is funny...

We love you, we adore you.....

Back To Work

I was on vacation last week and it was wonderful!

I drank in every pj wearing, child playing, thrift store and rummage sale shopping, redecorating, laundry washing, diaper changing, cooking for extended family, cream of wheat preparing, book reading, library going, counting mo-mos and watching endless episodes of Mickey Mouse moment.

And when Aidan Kale stood glued by my side this morning as I got ready for work, I knew he had enjoyed those moments too.

We Are Converting....

The office to a playroom!

Because these little guys need room to play....

The Best Kept Secret

I am on vacation this week and while I was off during the day, during the week, I discovered Goodwill and Name Brand Clothing....

I wish I had time to tell you all about my new addiction, but I am getting ready for a garage sale to make room for all my new stuff!

IF YOU HAVEN'T DISCOVERED THESE TWO STORES....YOU MUST!

The 8th of September

The day you were born was the beginning of so much more..

It was the beginning of you, your life, your future and because I am a believer, it was the beginning of our two boys..

Although we didn't know...He did.

It was the beginning of my tall, dark and handsome husband whose childhood antics make me laugh and scare me slightly..

It was the beginning of an athlete whom I would watch and cheer for in the stands.

It was the beginning of a stubborn streak that lives on in Aidan Kale.

This day would make a wonderful difference to so many people.

It was a day that taught me about heartache and true love,

The kind of love that digs down deep and takes root, growing over the years until no one dares remove it.

The love that softens the heartache, drying every tear.

It was a day that would change the life of one little baby born two months prior and a day that would be instrumental in creating two other babies thirty years later.

I am so proud to be spending this 8th of September with you, to celebrate the day you were born, to hopefully remind you how special you are to our family, to me and our two boys...Happy Birthday My Love.

Who Knew

I can remember vividly when I first had Aidan Kale.....KKS worked 12 hours a day sometimes 7 days a week....

I hated the house we lived in.....

I was unsure of myself and my parenting....

I was scared...

I was trying to figure out who I was and what I would have to give up now that we had a baby...

One word...SELFISH

As Aidan Kale got older, it got easier and I fell madly in love with him. KKS and I thought about having another baby and before we could make up our mind Kam was on his way...

I remember thinking what now?

I remember wondering how this would work?

KKS was quitting his job to go back to school full time and we forged ahead one step at a time.

And more than one time the awful embarrassing thought crossed my mind...what will I do with two children?

Yesterday KKS and I went out of town to shop for his birthday and the plan was to take our two boys with us as usual...

But then Nama and Dapa asked if they would take them to a local Fall Festival. My first reaction was NO--we had plans..

Wow, what a difference a few months can make...

There are NO MORE thoughts of what will I do with them, but instead, what would I do without them?

And although KKS and I had fun yesterday, we felt a little lost.

And the boys? Well from the pictures Nama and Dapa took on the camel and horse and woo woo....and the Spiderman tattoo and the balloon we had to pry out of little hands.....it looks like they did just fine without us.

Who knew?

They have changed our life.....they have made it better than we ever imagined.

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY